Darling
the first time I saw you, I wont lie, I was intimidated. A senior, tall, does not talk much, most of all, the most beautiful man that I have ever laid my eyes on. Maybe you don’t remember but the first time we spoke and I told you that I don’t like you, but back then I used to look at you profile picture once a day without fail. When we had our first real conversation, what I liked most about you was that we thought alike. Yes, call me a narcissist but I like people that think like me ; I don’t like explaining, the same way I am not liking explain why I love you right now. To put it simply, even if my whole life was a well written book and you were the only typo written in a different font in bold, I would still want that word to keep repeat until the book ends.
I remember how you used to come to school early just so we had extra time to talk on the terrace. I remember, the cold morning air brushing against our skin as we walked side by side, the waking sun watched over us blessing us with the first rays of the day. Many would say, the Sun shines everyday because the Earth rotates, but for me the Sun only shines so that I could see you smile, smile at my jokes. I remember running to the seventh floor ‘to meet a friend’ whose class was right opposite yours, I miss our eye contacts through the doors of the classes. Once when I was not able you to make it, I saw you on the sixth floor, the best part was that everyone ran to tell me you are here.
I remember the summer I lost all the friends I had, lost my grandfather, later that year I lost my aunt. You were the strength that held this tree together as all of its leaves fell that autumn. The sweet thought of you that used to poison my brain and that single drop of tear that used to run down my temple, as I lay staring at the ceiling wondering how I feel my whole world was falling apart whilst one man was equivalent to the entire universe to me. You were the only reason that I still believed in god during that time, because god was the only person I could ask to let you have the gift of all my good deeds.
I remember when I grabbed your chin and gave you a peck on the lips, I remember the sparkle in your eyes that remained for 5 minutes after that. Even today whenever I have a bad day I think of your face late at night — how used to wink at me when our eyes met in the corridors, how your eyes squinted whenever you smiled at me, how your dimples were carved into your face every time time we met, how your jaws clenched every time I told you about something that made me cry — and feel a warm drop of love ooze out of my eyes, those tears are never salty, they are just as sweet as our memories.
I cherish every one of the four time my parents caught us chatting because every time I discovered a new way to contact you.
Then something changed.
Like snowfall reversing, like an eclipse, something snapped. everything I did made you angry, anything I told you made me look insecure. This, will never reach you, I wont let it, because these emotions are too raw. you will never know how that changed me, how you changed me. I knew that angry man was not you, you loved me more than I loved you, then why?
Between everything that happened, I started thinking of us as a unit, I felt you would be with me, the one person that is completely on my side, through everything. I could not think of a future without you. You know, the summer of 2023, at the very end of which we started speaking, that summer I promised myself I would never ever be at rock bottom, never pull myself back into that rut. Who would have known you would be my ruin?
After a point, I lost the energy to deal with your anger, I became what you expected out of me but even silence was not enough to triumph the noise you created within me. I starting thinking of it as ‘that is just how he loves me’ , because I knew I couldn’t unlove you even if that anger was hatred. I started thinking of it as another way of those sadisttic celestial beings to be unfair to me. Eventually I snapped, I lashed out on you, and you left.
For 5 whole months I though it was all my fault. I thought of the time in Singapore when I cried while watching the light and sound show because I knew I want to experience all this with you. I thought of why I fell in love with the idol of Vishnu at Rangnathaswamy temple, it was because I could only see you in it. I remembered how I wrote your name on a piece of paper, folded it into a heart and kept it in my wallet because I dint have a picture of you. During those five months I prayed for you to come back to me somehow, but the more I prayed, the more I felt like god himself was pushing me away.
Then one day I get a message, “tu khush hai na?”
“Tera gussa hona to bas bahana tha, tu merese zyada deserve karti hai, mein gussa hota hu and phir tujhe rulata hu. I thought it would be better if I left you alone.”
Alone? I thought you were mine; crying for you, because of you, with you is part of the process of being with you, no? How dare you destroy my world once again.
After that it was apparent, that I am just an experience. Something beautiful people see, something I make them feel in their soul, never something they want to keep. I still love you, I always will, I will comeback and gladly ruin myself again if you said so, just this time ill know you will throw me away when you get tired of how I make you feel and shield yourself with that pathetic excuse.
One day hopefully, when I stop worshipping you, when I don’t have your name in my wallet, ill meet a man who will rock my world and see me as something more than an experience. someone who will want to hear my stories, not for the sake of keeping a conversation going, but to understand what I have been through. Someone who will be petrified of the thought of my not being a part of his life, who wont leave when it gets hard.
Unn dino mein kuch baat thi,
tumhare baaton mein tab jazbaat thi,
ab toh na rahi woh raat, na rahe woh baatein,
beeth rahi hai jaise taise raatein,
raaton se yaad aaya, chaand ne be puchha mujhse,
kaha hai woh shaks jo pyaar karta tha tumse,
kya bolti mein uss naadan so chaand ko,
dil to chhodo jaan bhi de chuki thi mein tumko.
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